Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Dude, Where’s my flame?

My flames gone.


Last year I was on fire.

I met a girl at some point in July.

Really stunning bomb. Lovely eyes. Fantastic legs. Her list of perfection was so long it would fill up an entire Cosmo magazine. She was a challenge.

So I walked up to her.

Said hi.

She said hi back.

We kissed 2 weeks later. And I’m not talking the Arabian kind.

I’m talking kissing as in French. Paris.

Me developing an Eiffel tower.


2 weeks


In August I met another chick. Lovely girl. Fantastic eyes. She might not have been as fantastic as Miss July but she was close. Close to a Cosmo mag edition. Now that’s hot isn’t it? Miss July had left me. Seems Miss July had a boyfriend. Some guy who lived in America and was due to return. I had to take a hike. We had kissed. Maybe more. Stop wondering.

So Miss July had left for true love. Sad but inevitable.

The rules of Rock paper scissors.

I’m hot and all, but love beats fire.

Miss July was gone. I was without a kiss mate. It was inevitable that I had to find someone else. SO come August I stopped feeling kinda sorry for myself and kinda got to work.

I went to the palms. I have a friend who told me that everything is sold at the palms. Even wives and girlfriends. He wasn’t wrong. The palms is a great pick up spot. It’s got al the essentials for romance. You meet a girl. You walk into a bar. Buy her a drink. Take her upstairs watch a movie. 2 movies after you hit the jewel store and buy her a diamond ring. You walk in single and you walk out engaged.

Thank you for shopping. Please come back again.

The advertising power of a face book community without the associated delay.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Palms.

So I met Miss August at the palms.

Believe the Hype.

I was standing upstairs at the cinema lounge trying to decide between re-watching Die hard 4 or finally watching the latest Harry Porter installment.

I was staring thoughtfully at the stairs and then she walked up. I’ve told this story a hundred times but no one believes me. What’s the greatest single movie moment in James Bond’s Die another day?

Did you say the end credits?

Well... yes…. possibly.

But other than that what might be the next?

I’ll tell you.

Halle Berry walking up the stairs from the beach clad in that bikini. DO you remember the scene? The hips. The sway. The way time seemed to pause with each swing from side to side.

Does anyone remember that scene?

Can anyone possibly forget?

I hear God watched the scene and whispered to himself

“Damn it. I’m good.”

Just rumor.


Miss August knocked the scene out of my head.

Hold the bat, hit the ball, it’s a home run.

She cleared the scene right out of my head.

Halle Berry’s walk was good but Miss August’s version?

I had a mini orgasm on the spot.

She gave me a look as she topped the stairs. Her lip gloss begged to be smudged.

I gave a quirky smile. And walked over.

I was nervous mind you. My hands where all jittery. I tried clenching but that didn’t work so I just stuck em in my pocket. Fortunately I was wearing a pair of jeans so they didn’t look like I had chickens hidden in them.

I wish I had a drink.

Martini. Shaken not stirred.

Nice one Bond.

I was nervous. But I dug in and played my cards

Took me one minute and I had her number.

One minute,


That was me.

The rest of the year went on like that.

Almost every week I met some gorgeous chick

Everything I said was funny.

Everything I did was cool. I was like Africans version of Casanova. Mr. Cool.

Dbanj’s mentor. A better looking Don Jazzy.

Way better!

I was on fire.

My friends just didn’t understand it. What’s your secret? They asked me.

I just smiled, laughed and asked that I be not disturbed till the next morning,

I wish I had told them back then because whatever the secret was, I need it now.

You see my fire’s gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone.

All off a sudden I woke up to realize that I don’t have any chick to call when I’m lonely.

And it’s not from want of trying.

It’s like my fairy godmother went for some seminar in Iraq and got shot.

My MOjo’s all gone.

I tried to chat up a chick yesterday.
She wasn’t even that good looking. Nothing like Miss Cosmopolitan. She barely managed to qualify for a sun girl.

But I was testing my powers. I wanted to see if I still had it.

You’re reading my post. You’ve seen the title. I don’t have to spell it out do I?

Because… I don’t have it.

She turned me down. Not badly mind you. She laughed. Said how cute I was. Ignored all my advances and walked away.


Mr. Fire?

She walked away.

Is it a valentine thing or what?

SO now it’s been 2 months without a girl.

I can’t figure out what the hell’s going on.

And I ask you.

Dude, Where’s my flame?”


Hengish said...

Okay I am first and DL is going to have a right fit but who currs?

Definitely not me.

So where is your flame Touch oops sorry Toochi?

I have no idea!

Maybe your fire has been off in Camden Market setting it ablaze.

If it is then I have to say you really have some flame!

desperate lady said...

O sweets now ur makin me feel sooo bad.
Uve still got ur fire...wanna bet?
See ill call u tonight n ull see how much fire uve still got.
Love ya babe.

P.s-i'm not avoidin u hun, I just had some issues.

Hengish I sure aint havin a fit.

Afrobabe said...

LMao...ok dude..ur flame is gone like a candle in the wind...

Give it some rest,buy a new candle, new lighter that works and poof ur back in biz...

in the mean time....REST!!!

Pretend you are on your man-period or something...lmao @ my own joke...heehehehehhehe

bumight said...

lol @ Afrobabe's man period.
ok, u wanna hear it? I stole your flame!

u were supposed to call me, remember?
when u didnt call. I did it.
want it back? you'll have to work it!

Honeywell said...

1. i love the way you write.
2. i love the way you write.

i love the way you write.

Get the picture? good.

I don't know what is going on with you oh.... seems like someone jazzed j/k
sometimes i think it comes and goes, honestly... or maybe its because its vals period, and so everybody is not looking for a new man but rather the one they know that can buy them a gift.... hopefully things will change for you soon, cuz you do seem slightly despaired by all this....pele..:)

Allied said...

lol @ "It’s like my fairy godmother went for some seminar in Iraq and got shot"

That was funny..

What happened to the other girls after Ms July? Maybe they cursed u?

Nine said...

ROFLMAO!!!*Coughs,gasps for breath*

Sorry,but the mental picture that brings up just has me in stitches*chortle*

It happens to the best of us my brother.Kpele.
Your fairy godmother is probably just on leave in the Bahamas or something.
She'll be back.WITH your mojo.Unless she has to pawn it:D.

Orientatednaijababe said...

I suggest u start begging everyone u have offended in the past.

U might also want to involve the prayer warriors cos u don seriously lose ur flame oh..

Goodluck finding it

fantasy queen said...

maybe the flames gone cos we are in civiliasion, thus u need alight bulb...
c, its that easy, so get the bulb screwed on real good.

plus u could hit me up for the latest pick up hand book...classic

InCogNaija said...

i like worry...ur flame dey come. you might wanna employ the services of 'baba isawuru' or the 'dibia'...i am sure they have smthn for ya!

N.I.M.M.O said...

Good. Very good. I particularly like the way you use imagery.

... I’m hot and all, but love beats fire.
.... The advertising power of a face book community without the associated delay. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Palms.
... The way time seemed to pause with each swing from side to side.
... I hear God watched the scene and whispered to himself “Damn it. I’m good.” Just rumor.
... But I dug in and played my cards Took me one minute and I had her number. One minute, Fire. That was me.

LOL. Th owners of the Palms should pay you for advertisement o!

Don't worry Playa, your fire will come back. Just know that some days you're the bug and some you're the windshield. Line 9ine said, it happens to the best of us.

Nice post.

guerreiranigeriana said...

wow...i must glad you came by my blog because yours is a treasure chest...i do fancy the way you write... at the post...if you mentored dbanj, you should know its d koko!!!...haha...just wear you boxer briefs only and walk the streets...tell me how that works out for you;) fact, make sure you call me beforehand so i can watch and er, maintain the peace, yeah...

princesa said...

YOu wrote this post like carlang.

Dont worry, its a phase...ur flame will be back:)

guerreiranigeriana said...

ok...just got the 'peace' part in your comment to me...or at least the reference...i sat pondering what peace you spoke of...just got it...i have my moments...

darkelcee said...

take a deep breath and before you are thru you are "back online real time" lawll

Nice post

Naapali said...

Loved the swagger in this post. I see indeed that like minds hang together since I came here by way of Carlang. I can see why you are friends and wonder what your conversations sound like.

Well written, loved the Halle Berry image.